Thursday, May 25

nothing's O.K.. we've been lied to. we're so frail, you can pray, scream his name, while they all keep sinking away...

good evening my little cherubs. did i ever tell you that i love you? because i probally haven't, and i probally don't. according to emily from work's 'radar' i'm sending off "in love" vibes. but i don't think i'm in love with anyone. i don't feel like i'm in love and i end up sounding desperate when i say "i wish i was in love". i don't really think i need to be in love with someone at this stage of my life, but i guess i think that its expected by society and so i pretend to care about it. but honestly, i don't. sure, i'm curious, but not as forth-coming as half the things i say present me to be. i'm all talk when it comes to boys. i'll jus drop a few sex jokes so you think i'm cool. have a good night lovelies.

you can't trust me.

sing loud. sing louder. sing to feel. sing for everyone. please sing loud. sing louder. sing to heal. sing for everyone. sing for life. sing for choices. sing for everyone without voices.
sing for love. sing for laughter. sing for everyone here and after.
sing for fear. sing for hatred. sing for everyone less than sacred.
sing for life. sing for choices. sing for everyone without voices.
you can pray while they all keep sinking away
A hero won't come in time. A martyr won't save our lives.
He can't (The Day No One Needed To Know - Moneen) [yeah thats a big chunk of lyrics, but it is a good song]

Wednesday, May 24

i noticed at times like these i feel about a million miles away. i never believed in me. i think its time to start.

hey there. my head kinda hurts. like its so full of questions and answers and things that have been said and things i wish i could say, that its pressing onto the walls of my skull. its throbing, i don't know whether thats my imagination or that it is actually there, but i can feel it. have you ever had that feeling? where you swear that you can feel something on your arm or leg but nothings there? it reminds me of a psychological test i thought up once. you blind fold a person them and lay them down on a bed, you then inform them that "there are ants all over the bed and its a test to see how long they can stand them crawling all over you". but there wouldn't be any ants, i wonder if the blind folded person would say there was. they have no reason to think that there isn't except that they can't feel anything, but then again, ants are very light and you may not be able to feel them anyway. i would like to know the results of such a test, it would be intresting.
do you every have those days when you just feel strange. odd. different. but theres nothing you can point directly at and say "thats whats making me feel like this". i hate those days. but i seem to be having so many.

i think i'm in love with you.

emptiness that seems to fill you. the kind of pain that shall consume you. the walls move and close in on you. think fast what would you do? right now we can't find answers. to the pain that i have caused. and wait for this world to die. so we can finally rise.(Pretty When You Cry - A Thorn For Every Heart)

Tuesday, May 23

buying cd's would have to be the best "pick me up" method i have ever discovered. slurpees and chocolate are good, but you can't go past something you can listen and listen to again and again. i have to say though, i did get excited today when i stood there, flipping cd's in JB. so excited that i bought four... four wonderful, enticing, master pieces. one of which i'm still to pick up because the cd wasn't in the case when i opened it at home. but the other three made up for it. oh the lovely workings of 'straylight run', 'from first to last' and 'a thorn for every heart'. they are so beautiful. it makes me patient in my wait for 'moneen'. oh dearest cd collection, how happy you make me.

"Sing like you think no ones listening, you would kill for this, just a little bit, you would... you would..." (Existentialism on Prom night - Straylight Run")

Monday, May 22

confined torment
tortured confinment
with tomorrow's sorrow
and a sorrowful tomorrow
hearing the wrong words
the wrong words you heard
weren't meant to be meantioned
only sent to be sanctioned
by monsterous twisters
and twisted monsters
minding what you didn't find
finding that you didn't mind
that needs are becoming greeds
and the needy are now greedy
then you suddenly end
ending all of the sudden
tell me why, i don't like mondays, tell me why, i don't like mondays....

gaaaaarh. i don't really mind mondays, they're ok. it's my only full day though and with my early mornings its acctually quite tiring. but the tiredness could also be related to stress, and exams coming up in bio and chem, aswell as the GAT. we got our prac bio exam back today. i got 46/75, which is excelent in comparassion to what other people got, but crap when i look at the questions i got wrong. also did a prac chemistry one today which i know i did badly on, just everything went wrong. we've got an assembly on wednesday which i'm sure i'll have to talk at but no one has bothered to approach me to ASK if i could, they'll probally just TELL me tomorrow afternoon. they are a very organised bunch of people they are. i've totally fallen behind in specialist, i missed two periods in a row and now i don't know if we're meant to be differentating or anti-differentating or which formulas we're meant to use. or whether cosx antiderives to be -sinx or sinx antiderives to be -cosx. i think its the latter. but english is going well. i get to commit suicide next tuesday. as jocasta of course. writing her final words is a bit of a chore but it should be good once i've finished. well i think thats enough of my school related babble. hope schools good for you, if your in school.

i want to shoot, the whole day down...

Friday, May 19

what do you do when you're alone? i once heard that people are in their truest (if thats a word) form when they know/think no one's watching. but is that true? when i'm by myself i'm lazy, unmotivated and slightly depressed. but i'm not when i'm around other people. i guess its the whole identity thing again. sorry to bore you like this. i hope to invent some new ideas in the future. i will. i promise.

days turn to nights, i wish on the stars in the sky, be careful of the brightest, beauty is on the inside... (Breathing in Sequence - Hawthorne Heights)

Thursday, May 18

i'm your puppet, i'll learn to love it, and i'll undress, if you need it. please don't need it, if you need it, i'll scream out...

when you find that someone, what are you meant to feel? lovestruck? happiness? admiration? nervous? care free? do you get hit with a million emotions at once or is it so right that the only one you notice is love? how corny does that sound? i'm so sick of people obsessing over love. i'm so sick of myself obsessing over love. love is just a marketing ploy. i don't love anyone and you're not listening (belle and sebastian - i don't love anyone)

weave a secret, i will sweep it, beneath the carpet, where you'll keep it. how weak is that? wish i was worth it, to you... (gregory and the hawk - i'm your puppet, i've put it on here before receintly, but its a nice song to listen to, not happy nice, but nice musically)

Wednesday, May 17

one of my friends asked me yesterday who i liked, as in "like" liked. i was fine saying that i didn't really like anyone at the moment. but then she asked who the last person i liked was, which is a fair enough question... but what was bad about that, is that i honestly couldn't think of anyone except for a guy who i just played with the idea of going out with at the end of year 10. the end of year ten. i'm nearly at the middle of year 12. i haven't felt any urge to go out or date anyone for what? a year and a bit? thats crap! it made me feel bad.... why don't i feel that stuff? am i so aside from proper teenage behaviour that i don't consider any of the guys i know potentionally? have i missed out on a sex drive? crap... tht one wasn't meant to come out.

enjoy my youth while it lasts.

thats what all the adults say.

why do they still all act like kids then?

can you see all the butterflies?
they are flittering around our heads,
they're changing colours with your moods,
from deep blues to passionate reds.
they lay an egg in my mouth,
and the caterpillar burrows it's way in,
envading the vast cavity inside my chest,
it's little cacoon it starts to spin.
the silk becomes one with my body,
it grows bigger and creates heat,
woven into my flesh it feels at home,
and then it starts to beat.
with a hiccup the butterfly escapes,
and changes colours as it goes,
it gave me something to call a heart,
from which my emotions can now flow...

Sunday, May 14

i only have 3 mins to write a post, but i really really really want to post today. not about anything in particular but i just felt that i should write tonight.

if you were dancing
i would too

if i stole the moon,
i would share it with you
if i couldn't see you
i would sigh,
to say that i don't love you,
would be a horrible lie...

something a little sweet, just for you. tell your mum you love them.

Thursday, May 11

I'm incredibly thankful to the lovely person who left a comment on my "a mood for songs" post. thank you. and to answer your question, i'm dedicating this post to you, which isn't a very high honour, but its the best i can do.

I wasn't quite sure whether you meant the songs on that particular post, the songs that are spread through my postings or the songish type stuff i've written myself. But i'll try and answer for all three. The songs published on the last post was just an idea i had for something different than the few lyrics that i usually put at the start or end of a post. those lyrics are there because i think they reflect what i'm feeling at the time of the post, and describe it better than i ever could. i also, like most people, feel a huge, entising connection with music. but for whom they are for i'm not sure. anyone, everyone really. anyone who wants to spend some time, download songs they've never heard and get to know me. as for the lyrics/prose i write myself, they vary. There has been one or two for a friend who i worry about, but otherwise they're stories, fantasies that i'm glad don't exsist. although i do think they could mean something to anyone, and sometimes everyone needs a little recognition. so they could well be directed at you, your friends , your life situation, if thats how you interpret it.

well, i hope i've answred the question. may you find love for you in the heart of whom you love.

Monday, May 8

a mood for songs

for when you feel...

excited: hurricane - faker
love: marching bands of manhatten - death cab for cutie
distraught: note to self - from first to last
indifferent: piece of wood - youth group
morbidly happy (you know the feeling): bad habit - the dresden dolls
like dancing: tiger blue - bit by bats
irrelevant: boats and birds - gregory and the hawk
depressed: dream to make believe - armor for sleep
lonely: carve your heart out yourself - dashboard confessional
teenage angst: war all the time - thursday

if you would like my song for an unlisted mood, just add a comment. i'll be eternally grateful for interation with you.
peace out

Sunday, May 7

i went to a party last night. i remember a few eeks ago when i said i wasn't the party type. i'm still not really, but i enjoyed myself throughly. mostly because Eliza is an absolute legend. really, she basically saved the whole night for me. but i can't help feeling that maybe her and joey would have had more fun if i wasn't there. brilliant people they are. you should meet them sometime.
maybe you should meet me sometime.
haha... oh the internet
have a good week ahead kiddies.

Friday, May 5


with questions like these
who needs answers to find
with celebrities so vain
who needs peace of mind
with bruises like these
who needs boyfriends
with cuts so deep

who needs band aids
with pain like this
who needs soothing drugs
with self-loathing so bad
who needs warm hugs
i think i do
and so would you
maybe we should see
our needs a little differently
i don't like who i've been recently. it feels like i'm watching through my eyes but i'm not really conscious to my words or my actions. i didn't used to be like this... i think. no. i know. i know i wasn't this self centred last year. i know i wouldn't have tried to make someone feel bad just because i did. i know that i would have been a better friend even if they didn't need me to be. but now... its like i've lost something. or maybe i've gained something. or maybe its just everyone else. they're so self centred themselves that its rubbing off on me. i know i would't have blamed people for my problems last year either. graaaaarrrh. i hate this, i hate me, its extremely personal.

enough of hope and hopelessness, i'm tired of more and sick of less, freeze the frame and hold it there, leave me alone, in empty despair... (a line by me)

Monday, May 1

good evening everyone, it rained today. it put me in a slightly melancholic mood. usually rain makes me feel a little brighter inside. but not today. maybe it wasn't the rain that made me feel down. maybe i just need to find a way to get happy and be happy and not worry about whether i'm feeling the right thing at the right time or if i'm smiling enough even if its not real. maybe i should stop smiling when its not real... but i don't even want to be another sullen face in the crowd. gosh i'm undecisive. well have a merry monday.

review my wishes, for fair weather, 'cause i know if the clouds with rains or snows, you won't be there. how weak is that? wish i was worth it, to you...