Wednesday, March 26

my legs are growing weary,
as i try to keep myself afloat,
pacifically treading water,
in the disappearing wake of your boat.

and i don't want to panic,
but this question is a must,
when will you come back for me?
words rippling faintly, it's a matter of trust

maybe the ending for a beginning that never existed

Thursday, March 20

today me and my brother and my dad made pancakes. thomas made such a big mess and dad slipped on it. he was laughing but was still a little angry. after we cleaned the puddle, i got to pour the pancake mix into the hot pan. the sizzling noises were funny. dad said i was too young to flip them and so thomas got to do it. i think i could have flipped just as many as good as he did. we sat at the table with these huge piles of pancakes, i put peanut butter on mine. i couldn't finish them all so dad ate mine. thomas was jealous, i saw him eye off my last pancake as dad put it in his mouth. it was a fun day.

ahh... random...
M: your father and i agree
F: your mother and i believe
M: a uniting force against teenage dreams
F: secretly falling apart at the seams
M: because your father is a bastard
F: your mother is a whore
M: and i don't want to say you're the reason
F: but we were much happier before
M: you
F: you
M: he
F: her
M: us
F: we
M: just can't make it
F: work anymore
Leave the ocean's roar in the turquoise shell, leave the widower in his private hell, leave the liberty in that broken bell today... Just leave the epic poem on its yellowed page, leave the gray macaw in his covered cage, let the traveling band on the interstate remain...

a different strain of deja vu, the same emotion with a new experience, the nauseating tug that makes it all feel all too familiar. except it's worse because you thought you were past that, but it just keeps oscillating back and forth, like radio waves humming static in my ears. it brings frustration and whittles away at my tolerance for nice people with stupid questions, mixing my bitterness with remorse. and i know it's something i should let go of, but i can't help my clenching fists as i realize the easy going attitude others pin to my name is really indifference. i insist that i 'don't mind' rather than i 'don't care' but in all honesty it's just so i'm not disappointed. why show the frown in company? i can be sad when i'm just a nameless face in a crowd. exclusion hurts less if you're the one in control, at least thats the idea. but it's not the hope, it's not the dream, it's not anything. it's dry and tasteless and lonely... gah, this teenage angst really doesn't match my shoes...
i don't often receive phone calls, so my manner may be lacking, but if you get a call asking if you'll be at a lecture, do you assume that they will sit with you? petty i know, but it just added salt to a sour wound and i'm more of a sweet tooth than that. once a hopeless romantic but now i'm just hopeless... gah, i really do apologize, my diary keeping skills are appalling, thus making this the only outlet.
hope you're happy. peace.

Leave the secret talks on the trundle bed, leave the garden tools in the rusted shed, leave those bad ideas in your troubled head today... Just leave the restless ghost in his old hotel, leave the homeless man out in that cardboard cell, let the painted horse on the carousel remain... Cause everything it must belong somewhere, just like the gold around her finger or the silver in his hair, yeah, everything it must belong somewhere, I know that now, that's why I'm staying here...
I know that now, that's why I'm staying here... (i must belong somewhere - bright eyes)

Friday, March 14

if anyone's recently popped by and been attacked by my music when they least expected it, i do apologize. it's no longer on autoplay and the volume switch is accessible, so if you wish to listen to some of the songs i've mentioned in old posts, they're there, but not bombarding your preferred track listing or getting you in trouble in public libraries that forgot to mute their computers.

congrats to adeliade for upping their record from 8 days (in the 1930's or something) to 10 days in a row with temperatures above 35 degrees C (something like 93-95 in F, why i'm bothering converting it, let alone in my head, is a mystery) *claps* and it's march. march i tell you, the great season of autumn which should be celebrated in it's dry coolness, not this revolting heat. i'm just glad i don't live further north or west, humidity and heat make frances not very happy at all. i think i've complained about this here before, but my minds not working properly, sorry.

also exciting, joined the juggling club at uni, and i've been practicing. i can juggle three balls, record is 36 throws , and two balls in just my right hand, but the left hand is lagging, though when i master the left i can get onto four balls. how absolutely awesome is that?! if only i could apply this entertaining skill to some other aspect of my like. maybe instead of counting i could name the parts of the brain while i juggle...

... cerebral cortex, frontal lobe, temperal lobe, occipital lobe, hippocampus, amygdala, choroid plexus, left and right lateral ventricle, third and forth ventricle, cerebral aqueduct, cerebellum... ahh... yeah, ok, i cheated... i looked off my notes... fail

rainbow affect

Tuesday, March 11

banter banter, random finger tapping, internet equivalent of tongue wagging

so i guess this is a raw memory rubbed the wrong way, salt in wounds, leaving too soon for resolution. for revolution. for evolution. for greater understanding of what i could never understand, for a lesser under-dog i could never underhand, for what's worth more than the sticker price, more than the bricked-wall life. roll down the window and feel the wind play against your features, dancing on your face and tugging your hair, the setting sun with ray guns set to glare and aviators the only means of deflection. nothing like the reflection, of why you're out driving alone, on something of an open road, with splodgy clouds and dotted lines, black tarmac and green signs, pointing to a destination. but is it your destination? what means of motivation, can continue this facilitation? the world to roam and still make it safely home. if home is anywhere, if home is here, if home is still there when you get home.

Sunday, March 2

something of a "did you know?"
while downloading games for my beloved nds, i came across this verification code and was somewhat amused. computers can't read through cats and dogs, fancy that!