Wednesday, June 28

sleep with all the lights on, you're not so happy, you're not so secure. you're dying to look cute in your blue jeans, but you're plastic just like everyone. you're just like everyone...

just one wish to be able to see the world like others do. to be able to strip away my beliefs, morals and social discomforts and just have fun. not to have to worry that i may seem to be standing by myself. to not get the feelings from other people that i don't really belong there. maybe i'm just not use to that type of scene. but do i want to become desensitised to it? i should just accept its not my type of thing and smile, i don't have to fit in, it's that we are all different that makes us special. but if i honestly believed that was a good thing, i would not have started this post to begin with. acceptance and appreciation, you can never have appreciation without acceptance. just doesn't work... or maybe it does and i can only see one side of the looking glass.
maybe i'll just eat this rainbow candy and think about it tomorrow...

p.s. thank you to anon. who commented on my last post. i'm thankful that a different opinion is shown on this blog. variety is good for you. some say its the spice of life even. but i think familiarity is comforting. but thats just me. =)

we're not twenty-one, but the sooner we are, the sooner the fun will begin. so get out your fake eyelashes, and fake i.d's and real disasters ensue. it's cool to take these chances, it's cool to fake romances and grow up fast...
(The Swiss Army Romance - Dashboard Confessional)

Wednesday, June 21

photos aren't memories, they're not evidence. a fifty-fifty chance of being a lie. just because you were smiling, doesn't mean you were happy. i hoped that you'd remember that. photos deceive us. all smiles and laughter and poses. because we're all so fucking happy aren't we?

as an end comes near, our words start to disappear. into jumbled messes, a language of guesses. little by little, few by fewer, fall asleep, don't pull the trigger...

Monday, June 19

sitting alone in the dark of a stadium, he whispers his secrets into a cheap guitar. with the flick of his wrist he turns words into melodies. chords into church bells, fill up the allies. lovers intwine in the heat of the night and by dawn are apart in the shivering silences. we will pretend, that its all just made up...

first monday of holidays. can you tell i'm not excited? *doesn't dance around excitedly* yeah. just makes me feel old. only 60 days left of high school. ever. scary. really. scary.
anyway. Thursday have a new album out (a city by the light divided), which is pretty fucking awesome. but, after i bought it, i was reading an article in 'beat' or 'impress' or one of those magazines and i read that thursday disowned their previous album. which i assumed to be "war all the time". that album would have to be one of my favourite albums, i like it that little more than "a city.." . the latest is a bit more musically deep, but i don't connect with it as well as "war all the time". to hear that they disowned their own music genious is disheartening. i think i should search the web for why... thursday are awesome, listen them sometime.

When he's all alone, the lovesong writer sings... oooh, can anyone hear me now? but no one hears at all, the lovesong writer sits all alone, when he hears the sound of the knock at the door. 50 red roses, falling apart, in the hands of someone that you scraped in and left behind. all of the others strolled up and showed up at your door, staring you down they said...:

sing for me, sing for me, sing for me now. sing for me, sing for me, sing for me now... we already are... (the lovesong writer - thursday)

Tuesday, June 13

i've been long, a long way from here. put on a poncho, played for mosquitos, and drank til i was thristy again. we went searching through thrift store jungles. found geronimo's rifle, marilyn's shampoo and benny goodman's corset and pen.
Well, o.k. i made this up. i promised you i'd never give up...

evenin' troopers. hows life going for you? i hope its good, i hope its better than good, i hope you're enjoying yourself. are you enjoying yourself? do you really still want to be here? i for one am glad you are here, for without you i would just be ranting to myself. you deserve to be happy. its your right. but like they say in cop shows "you have to right to remain silent", you don't have to. you don't have to be happy. for some people it's really hard to be, the world is on their shoulders, nothing ever goes right and no one seems to care. i could understand reasons for not being happy and wanting everything to change but not doing anything incase it makes everything more worse. i can be happy, and i was today (i bought 5 CDs, but aside from that it was a good day). But i don't want to live here anymore. "this house is not a home"(three days grace). 'cept i can't bring myself to tell dad. what would i say? he would say "i'd like it if you spent some time here", and if i said i didn't want to then he'd be all like "i really want you here" and then act like i wasn't respecting his feelings or his opinion. i really don't like this...
hold my head in my hands and hope that someone understands. that i'm not really depressed, my happiness has just been supressed.

if it makes you happy, it can't that bad. if it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad...(If It Makes You Happy - Sheryl Crow)

Wednesday, June 7

I heard that you were home again, but you don't look like you're back to me. with your focuses changing, your gaze is transfixed on a point that i can't often see. you've got your new ties, i've got my old knots, you've got your inside lines. but you're never happy with what you've got...

you really think you're alone, don't you?
i'm not alone... i just have no one to talk to...
you can always talk to me
can i? what would you do if i did?
i would listen
thats what you say now...
why wouldn't i listen to someone i care about?
because you're busy
i'm never too busy to listen
but you're too busy to understand
what is wrong? why do you keep like talking like this?
i want to talk like we used to, before life got soconfusing
well.. me too. you know you can always talk to me
yeah... i know...

(these dialogues are made-up. i'm both people, fighting with myself again i am)

i heard that you were living well, but you don't look like you're living to me. though the sparkle is gone, the smile is in place so that everyone watching can see. you've got them all convinced, but i know it so well. that you could list your friends, but you can't count on them...

Tuesday, June 6

bones, skin, nails and flesh. on a bed of lack of passion, a medievil consequence. they worry you with all their talk of how you're not their kind...


ooooh! isn't it superstiously scary! its a load of crap if you ask me. that number has been re-translated from the hebrew into 616 anyway. so really... we're already dead, if thats what's meant to happen. i personally think its just a number, and not meant to be assumed as a date. a house with the number 666 isn't the house of the beast. it was a counting number before that. i have a student number, but it doesn't mean everything that has that number is mine.
well anyway. hope your doomsday was as good as mine. i had a chemistry exam =)

"hey sugar, how'd you get so fine?"
"baby. i was born that way!"

now i'm stealing her body and taking it home, there is always one more fall. this will hurt you, it's killing me. this is the salt in my side, this is the thorn in my eye. this will hurt you, and i will too, and i will... (bitemarks and bloodstains - finch)

Monday, June 5

your chest quickly rises and falls
your eyes are clentched shut
you await the fatal blow
for the knife to pierce your gut

a scene flickers on in your mind
love enjoyment and happiness
are smiling and waving at you
calling you away from all the mess

but sadness, hate and despiration
pass you a cigarette and say;
'that they're just lying to you'
'they don't want you around anyway'

you hesitate, but become convined
and you sit back in the darkness
thinking 'i'm not worth anything'
changing into more of a less

desperation, sadness and hate
abandon you in the shadow
leaving you with no one to talk to
except for your own empty echo

without love and happiness
you realise you can't cope
enjoyment is gone from your life
and 'everyone's given up on hope'

opening your physical eyes
you can see the knife above
and plunging it in with steady hands
hope shuns away her life and love

you are my hope... don't give up now...

Friday, June 2

comparing to the last time we had spoke, it seems to me that you're not happy, like you used to be...


i don't know whether i should talk to you. i don't think i've ever really caught your eye, but you've caught mine. i notice you everytime you're around. its like impossible to look over you. but i've only ever seen you. i haven't really ever talked to you. i don't really know you. but i know you are intruguing and i want to know more.
let me learn.

i'm not in love, it's just a little lust... i wish it wasn't

to you i'm like a flavour that wouldn't last, you took one bite and spat me out real fast (I Liked You Better Before You Were Naked on the Internet - From First To Last)

Thursday, June 1

What Sarah Said - Death Cab For Cutie

and it came to me then, that every plan, is a tiny prayer to father time.
as i started at my shoes, in the ICU, the reeked of piss and 409.
and i rationed my breaths, as i said to myself, that i'd already taken too much today.
as each descending peak, on the LCD, took you a little farther away from me.
away from me...

amongst the wending machines, and year-old magazines, in a place where we only say goodbye.
it stung like a violent wind, that our memories depend, on a faulty camera in our minds.
but i knew that you were a truth, I would rather lose, than to have never laid beside at all.
and i looked around, at all the eyes on the ground, as the TV entertained itself.

'cause there's no comfort in the waiting room,
just nervous pacers, bracing for bad news.
and then the nurse comes round, and everyone'll lift their heads
but i'm thinking of what sarah said...

... that "love is watching someone die"...

so who's going to watch you die...?

so who's going to watch you die...?

so who's going to watch you die...?

so who's going to watch you die...?
tell me that you're alright, yeah everything is alright...

thought i should post i don't feel like posting though. just thought you should know i'm still alive, even if i'm not liking it.

give me a reason, to end this discussion, to break with tradition, to fold and divide... (motion city soundtrack - everything is alright)