idenity... its a perplexing aspect of life for some people. i'm one of those people. i find it so easy to say that i am Frances, i am school captain, i am bored. but all of those things say more about what i am, than who i am. how much of a difference is there between what and who, there certainly is one but where is the line that divides them? maybe its more of a ven diagram, where words can fit into both catogories. maybe i should stop before i start running in circles and disagreeing with what i've already said. 'twas just a thought to ponder...

and i don't want the world to see me, 'cause i don't think that they'd understand, and when everythings made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am...
i just want you to know who i am...

when you tried to kiss me i only bit you're tongue, when you tried to get me together i only came undone...

sometimes people can say "i love you" so much in such alittle space of time its hard to believe them. like unless you know that you're completely irresistable, its actually really discomforting recieving that kind of treatment... especially from a girl... yeah... i felt like hitting her... luckily i didn't, i didn't really want to het her, but gosh it was annoying... its like its just a game... like back in primary school... except it feels worse... i know she was teasing but, garg, way to ruin my day...

daria... daria.. daria... i won't be soothed... i won't be soothed... (Daria - Cake)

such a lovely day today








makes me hope i never throw it away...

how could they change the cinema without telling me? what a load of bastards. i hope they enjoyed their fucking movie. soothe my ears with the sound of parkway drive...

your warm embrace has been replaced by cold, and those defiant eyes have fallen, broken by the floor, another rain-streaked face, left alone to drown in malice, and your bleeding heart can only heal so much, we can't weather this storm of long, and water cannot cleanse the blood from our past, can you hear your crying wish? because your prayers remain, answerless, your prayers remain, in sweet decay, your prayers remain, in this sweet decay, your love failed me, broken hearts and shattered dreams could never carry your fractured world, so just throw it all away, your love is lost on us, just throw it all away, your love is lost on us...

(they scream if you didn't know)

sure i'm over-reacting a bit, but fuck, i feel like shit because of it and so i need to vent.

good evening ladies and gentlemen. i moved e-mail addresses today. i thought it'd be easy to let go of my old one, but it's actually really hard... i don't want to leave it, but i feel i should, time for a change, to turn over a new page. to stop thinking that internet governs my life. hahaha awww... hope you kiddies had a good weekend. i like how you changed from a lady or gentleman to a kid in just a few lines. sorry its so short today... don't know why i bothered.
peace out

someone told me today that maybe i should take a chill pill... i told them that i fear i'd take too many...

carpe diem

carpe diem: the enjoyment of the pleasures of the moment without concern for the future

i was v. disappointed yesterday when i could not log in. i was sad actually. it seems that i have grown somewhat dependent on this blog for venting my teenage emotions and to not have it avaliable on a friday night makes me feel a little more out-of-step with the world, a little more pathetic, a little more alone... what makes me feel worse is that i have this dependence in an online blog, not in another human being, not in a friend. and now feel bad because i'm writing crap stuff about my life again... but everyone needs to vent somewhere. maybe i was just created to feel bad for all those people who aren't autistic but couldn't care less about the consquenses on other peoples lives because of their stupid actions. maybe i'm meant to feel the shame, the guilt and the stupidity of a selfish generation. i relised a lot about myself today and i don't want to care anymore... i don't want to give a stuff about other's struggles in life... i don't want to listen to their whinging... i want to complain to MY selfishness and desires are content... i don't want to give a fuck anymore...

but knowing me as well or as bad as i do, i know thats not going to happen. i do care, and i will care, and i will pull my head before i complain too much and will listen to your "tragic" life stories and offer supportive advice. because deep down i never want to be a bitch, no matter how easy i think it would be.

peace out. may you find the one who loves you as much as you love them.

'Bravo Charlie' - Gregory and the Hawk

I feel like singing sad songs all night
I feel like tuning you out
do you want to make it in to more of a fight
is this yelling what love's all about?

so go on, and tear me apart
yeah just go on in straight for my chest
and maybe it's mostly my fault
'cause if I'm the only girl you ever had
I guess i can't be the best
can't be the best

and i feel like falling asleep while you scream
i feel like tuning you out
do you want to stand up and make a big scene?
put the lid down, pick up the dog shit and shut your mouth

so go on, and tear me apart
yeah just go on in straight for my chest
and maybe it's mostly my fault
'cause if I'm the only girl you ever had
I guess i can't be the best
can't be the best

and I feel like singing sad songs all night...

good evening children of the revolution...
i wasn't meant to work today... i covered a four hour shift for someone... i worked seven and a half hours today. *blank stare*... so much for catching up on chemistry on the long weekend... i didn't do anything worth doing this weekend... what a completely waste...
i did revamp the site template though, gave it a new look, i got a bit sick of the dots, its still pretty basic, but it doesn't really need to be amazing so i'm happy with it. i'm still not sure whether i want people i know to read it... the whole content of this blog is negative... but then why bother putting it on the net... maybe its the thought that i can say that i was always open for people to get to know me even if i didn't want them too. so i can feel like i'm sharing without having to deal with the confronting/negative feedback. sometimes its just too hard to understand why i do things. it angers me, because if i don't know why i did something then who can anyone else? or maybe i just say i don't know as a smoke screen... self analysis is crap...
i should probally start perking up these posts though, they've been lacking some good ol' optimism...

but who wants to read that crap anyway...

and i'm still a cigarette softly smoking on the edge of a metal ashtray, i begged this place to let me burn, and it whispered, "burn away"...

getting back into the swing of things, here i am again, only a day since my last post. horray! eating a lot of chocolate is not the only thing i want to accomplish today. i plan on finishing my chemistry homework... but i usually plan to do that every weekend and still have some left over. and i should go for a walk in this lovely melbourne overcast weather, get a slurpee from the most devoted branch of stores, 7-11. god bless them for being open on easter sunday. what is quite refreshing about today is that it is the first easter where we haven't done something as a whole family (mainly because we're not a whole family anymore) and its the first sunday in a long time where i haven't had to work. isn't that great? another nice thing is that this post is not about death or philosophy or sadness. its just the plan for another day.

happy easter. may jesus rise from the dead and deliver you chocolate.

you asked for justice and all you got was an apology...
is justice achievable in our current society? being the extremist i am (in views not actions, heh, just pictured myself sky diving), i think that absolute justice is impossible and out of reach for human beings. Mainly because our varying cultures and beliefs that have developed through-out the world have so many opinions of what is JUST, the rights and wrongs, the ethics and morals of being alive. they are not the same, we are not the same. there are common beliefs that murder is BAD, stealing is BAD may reside, but how do we deal with murderers or thieves to deliever justice. should we murder murderers? strip bare thieves? take an eye for an eye, as they say. by doing so aren't WE the murderers and thieves? hitting someone for hitting you will not solve the problem. calling someone a whore because they called you a fridgit will NOT help you. we don't need more fights, because which ever the way the battle goes, there is no justice in it. none. but i agree that we can't just ignore the death, the emotional and physical trauma. how would i tell you that someone has killed your best friend? how can anyone possibly make that just? equal? make it like it was before? i know justice isn't returning what was lost, but how can you put a wager on someones life? "you killed him so now we take your life for forty years", "your husband was killed so now half of life is gone". maybe the maths is similar, but it sure makes me feel sick.
i do not support death row. i do not agree with an eye for an eye. people DESERVE a second chance. but it's so hard to give that to someone who is dead...
oh what pointless ramblings.... i hope you got something out of this
sorry

note to self: i miss you terribly, this is what, we call a tragedy... come back to me, back to me, to me...

don't tell me it's worth it

"i feel like shit"
"what?? how come?"
"i don't know"
"there would have to be something thats making you feel bad"
"i don't know... its like i don't care about anything anymore i just keep marching forward like a brain dead soldier"
"are you sure there isn't anything thats bothering you?"
"yes... no.. i don't know... arg i hate this, why won't it just end?"
"well if you don't know what it is, its hard to say why it won't, maybe you need to acknowedge the problem"
"don't you understand? there isn't a problem, just nothing, only nothing. my whole world is an empty void and i can't seem to make it better... nothing is wrong"
"you seem to be talking like something is"
"i'm fine"
"well if you need to talk, you know where i am"
"yeah.. thanks..."




"... i don't want this anymore"
"don't want what?"
"this, this feeling, this life, anything that connects me to it"
"don't yo start talking like that, just because things seem bad now doesn't mean they won't get better"
"it doesn't mean they won't get worse.. i just want this over and done with"
"please stop thinking like that, you know very well that there are heaps of people out there who love you and would be completely broken if you... went away. i know i would"
"i don't know anything anymore... but thank you for trying its good to have proof that someone cares"
"don't do this"
"i'm sorry..."
"it'll be worth it if you hold on"
"don't tell me it's worth it"

thats was the conversation you and i had inside my head just moments ago.... i wonder if you even heard one word... maybe its better you didn't... i'm glad i didn't really tell you what's bothering me... i miss talking to you so much... where have you gone?

hmmm

i haven't been back
in an eternity
its hard to keep track
of this while
i'm so sleepy

but now i'm home
and you're right here
no more fields to roam
just my past
my gut of fear

you sense a change
in my personality
this sadness and rage
have sufaced
consuming me

you tread so lighty
so softly spoken
but can't you see
i'm not fragile
i'm broken

and i'm already gone
i'm already gone....

carve your heart out yourself

carve your heart out yourself, hopelessness is your cell. since you've drawn out these lines are you protected from trying times?

its been a while since i last wrote... it feels so different now. i wonder how my friends are going on this peaceful friday night. never thought i would use "peaceful" infront of friday night. its funny really, most people talk about what they're doing friday night as if it was a huge part of the social calander, and to them it probally is. but for me, its just another night, followed by another day. no sleep in, no hangover, no throbing eardrums and no guy who happened to end up in my bed. just me. as i usually am, slightly imbalanced in mood and high on nothing. i'm no party pooper, i can enjoy myself, if i push it. but to be a party pooper you first have to be invited and then have to go, and really its not my scene. i'm probally just doing the whole "i'm so different from everyone else" even though everyone is different from everyone else in one way or another. maybe i'm just hoping that there's someone out there who doesn't like parties either and we can just waste our friday nights together. i want to do something, but i don't want to party. i guess beggars can't be choosers.
alone i remain, i wish there was someone...
don't pity me, i am better off than most, this is just my outlet

man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has, but lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all...

i'm not fragile... i'm broken...