carpe diem

carpe diem: the enjoyment of the pleasures of the moment without concern for the future

i was v. disappointed yesterday when i could not log in. i was sad actually. it seems that i have grown somewhat dependent on this blog for venting my teenage emotions and to not have it avaliable on a friday night makes me feel a little more out-of-step with the world, a little more pathetic, a little more alone... what makes me feel worse is that i have this dependence in an online blog, not in another human being, not in a friend. and now feel bad because i'm writing crap stuff about my life again... but everyone needs to vent somewhere. maybe i was just created to feel bad for all those people who aren't autistic but couldn't care less about the consquenses on other peoples lives because of their stupid actions. maybe i'm meant to feel the shame, the guilt and the stupidity of a selfish generation. i relised a lot about myself today and i don't want to care anymore... i don't want to give a stuff about other's struggles in life... i don't want to listen to their whinging... i want to complain to MY selfishness and desires are content... i don't want to give a fuck anymore...

but knowing me as well or as bad as i do, i know thats not going to happen. i do care, and i will care, and i will pull my head before i complain too much and will listen to your "tragic" life stories and offer supportive advice. because deep down i never want to be a bitch, no matter how easy i think it would be.

peace out. may you find the one who loves you as much as you love them.