i feel quite alone right now... i would very much appreciate a hug... very much... please... not like anyone would go out of their way the read this or to hug me... but i thought it was worth a try... i mean how many days are left? until well all just disappear... in one person's perspecive everyone will die when they do, if they are dead they have no proof that their most loved ones are still alive... there is no looking window between life and death... death is empty...but what happens when life is too...

feeling the complete sadness of it all and wanting to cry... but the tears never come... i don't know whats wrong with me... i don't even know where this sadness is coming from... there are possible sources... but they feel more like excuses than the real reasons... i wish i knew why i feel like this... it would make things so much nicer... maybe this is all because i'm not adaptable to accepting life is nice... maybe this is all in my head and really i'm perfectly fine... perfectly ok... i wish i felt fine... i wish i was okay... maybe i shouldn't wish for something i already have, but what if i don't have it after all?

my head hurts

and i wish i could say words that meant something to anyone but me...

it's funny how there is always this idea that light is good and darkness is bad. all these religious people saying "step into the light" and you'll become a better person. but better in whose perception? God's? how do we know what he really wants? from what he has said through man? i'm not saying that religion is crap, i respect those who can have such dependence in something there is no proof of, faith it is called. and i'm not here to say the darkness is the best place to be, but like this planet there is both day and night and we would all get terribly sick and tired and not become "better people" if there was only one or the other.
Now if we take light and darkness phsyically, not that either of them are but, in the total brightness of light you can not see anything and in total darkness you can't see anything either. So nothing is really clear in either of these realms. In both there is this sense of fear that one does not know what's coming or what is really real. These are normal senses of life that only ignorance can really remove, and once you've lost that, then you are more of a real person, whatever real is. Nothing is black or white so why do we keep acting as if there is? there may be two perpectives but using black and white is not a good example. How about colour and grey? in colour and grey there are a variety of lights and darks, tints and shades for those arty farty ppl, but it stills shows the difference between an optimistic and pesimistic view. the optimistic seeing colour, a huge arrangment of beautiful, endless prospects although because there is no definate line between the colours there is no definate path. the pesimistic seeing life in a world of greys, because of this mixture of white and black there are definate lines around things, but with these boundaries life is restricted and bad things are often more noticable. Both outlooks are very far from perfect, and any view thats inbetween is still far from it. yes, we are spinning in and out of light and dark again, finding balance on non-exsistant scales. why bother lighting a candle when the room is already lit? is this all hypocritical mind-mash? yes... yes i believe so.
humans are flawed, full stop. let us not breed another flaw of dwelling on failures.

building metophorical walls to keep oneself out, and then relising you've barricaded yourself in if the person you most despise... everyone hates feeling like they're nothing... luckily only a few know it...

BE MY LOVE POET

i need something to neutralise my destructivly sad poems... i need a love poem... doesn't have to be directed at me, but just has to be about good stuff in general.... if you can find anything... maybe all love is corrupt with lust or greed anyway... *sigh* "can't you see the no sighing sign?"

i'm so invisible to you,
how can you possibly see though,
this heart that beats so keen,
how can i remain unseen?
to have language and words,
that are never understood or heard,
to have a heart beating inside of me,
that has always been left empty,
and with this final hopeless letter,
i hope everyone's future gets better,
this is the last thing i wrote and read,
for I am just so very, very tired...

it's not the end.... but sometimes i wish it was...

endless blue - me

aer-o-plane,
falling from-the-sky,
calling, you-to-say,
hope you nev-er-die.
jet-black-scars,
through the end-less-blue,
burning en-gines-scream,
i would kill-for-you
earth-and-plane,
meeting at-the-ground,
my cries of-tor-ment,
are lost in-the-sound.
and-it-hurts,
what's it like-for-you,
looking down-at-me,
from the end-less-blue

never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it, never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it, never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it, never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it, never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it, never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it...

i was reading some of my old blogs today. its sad, nothing has changed. this time last year i re-introduced myself and said that it wouldn't be the same as before. but it was. i complained of a nameless nothing thats still there, school is still a nightmare where i don't have a place of my own. fuck. fuck. I hate it. fuck. whay am i so incapable of change? why does time go so fast? I hate it. fuck. and in the words of the August 30th blog "i hate this, i hate you, it's nothing personal..."

listen i'm fine now, listen i'm fine now, listen i'm fine now, i don't want to talk right now, thank you for your concern...

*cries*

just one letter

head, dead, dear, fear , hear, heal, real, reel, feel, fell, hell, hull, null, nill, till, tell, bell, belt, pelt, felt, feet, meet, meat, heat, neat, next, text, test, best, pest, rest, lest, less, mess, miss, hiss, hist, list, lost, most, moss, loss, lose, rose, rise... i think thats enough

nowhere, is now here,
welcome to the nothingness,
the empty void of space,
nothing more or nothing less...

um, i felt like blogging, but i don't really have anything to blog about. nothing exciting is happening here, well somethings up though. my mum's moving out. but i don't have much to say about that. it'll be weird. having two houses. will there be a home, i don't know. strange, different, abnormal, maybe just ab. thats so ab. maybe start a trend. you're so ab. if everyone agrees that everyone is different, whats wrong with calling someone abnormal? if you agree that everyone is different, then you are agreeing that no one is "normal", making everyone abnormal. is that such an insult?

how much do you really say,
that you feel, that you do, that you know?
do you seriously have the option,
to decide whether or not to go?

when will all of this change?
how will you gain control?
how much damage are you suffering,
in your heart mind and soul?

do you really have the choice,
to turn right or left?
does an out-of-you-control life,
lead to your controlled death?

slip like space - armor for sleep

Watch me point to the sky, you laugh and say I'll never fly,
I'll smile as you walk away, I always knew I couldn't stay.

Full throttle now. The Milky Way can't wait.
Full throttle now. The Milky Way can't wait.

Time has turned into space ports, and I rocket past the moon,
Say your goodbyes now, I'll be in the wormhole soon.

This planet wasn't made for me, all of you live so easy,
I lay outside and up I stare, my home is in the void up there.

Full throttle now. The Milky Way can't wait.
Full throttle now. The Milky Way can't wait.

time has turned into space ports, and I rocket past the moon,
say your goodbyes now, I'll be in the wormhole soon.

Approach light speed, and break apart,
I don't care now, nothing's real somehow.
Approach light speed, and break apart,
I don't care now, nothing's real somehow.

time has turned into space ports, and I rocket past the moon,
say your goodbyes now, I'll be in the wormhole soon.
time has turned into space ports, and I rocket past the moon,
say your goodbyes now, I'll be in the wormhole soon.

i'm changing slowly,
this skin no longer fits,
these are not my hands,
these eyes are two black pits.

what used to be eyes,
are overflowing with sorrow,
this aching pain inside my chest,
does not want another tomorrow,

so i'll bottle these tears,
and take these feelings that i get
i'll pour it into this water,
thats slowly changing into regret.

the water's getting cold,
i'll pull myself out of this bath,
feeling like i've returned to nothing,
maybe tomorrow i'll laugh.

and i'll wait here with
the tomorrow i did not desire
pile up these thoughts
and build a new fire

so i'll get these tears out
and take these feelings that I get
bury them in the ashes
and hope i can forget...

20 things I like in life

1. conversations with people i can trust
2. big feet on small puppies
3. motion sensored doors
4. chocolate biscuts
5. laughter
6. bubbles
7. music
8. the rainbows of light you can get in the reflection of CD's
9. those clothes that are old but still comfy
10. holes in socks
11. oil on top of water
12. colourful paint splatters
13. extra keys that you don't know what they open
14. sour cream and chilli potato chips
15. finding the cd you wanted to buy after 3months of looking
16. nice movies
17. sparklers
18. funny messages when computers loading (ok, booting the kernel, tehe)
19. msn, oh messenger my friend
20. patterns in the sky, both at day and night

woo i got 20, that wasn't so hard

i'm stupid. ok. i admit it. stupid stupid stupid stupid. okay. i know i've said before that i'd never cut myself, (i think when i did all those quizilla things), but... things change... i guess i was lying in the first place because i have kinda cut before. Oh, this is so weird writing this. i've cut the word "why" into my palm (its tiny) twice now, (once at the end of january and again last week). and today, i don't know where it came from, i razored my wrist. it was stupid, completely stupid. I'd tried before with sissors but all they did was scratch and nothing serious, so i thought, 'its not like its going to do much' and then just... well... and it bled. luckily i've made a habit of wearing a sweat band so no one will ever know. stupid stupid stupid. i am the queen of stupid.
i hate feeling like this but it happens all the time. not feeling stupid... but the feeling where i know i would/could do something like that. i don't want to die...

do i?