i like to think that i once wrote lists, that i could have written extensive lists in a beautiful scrawl that no one else could read. but i only ever really attempted making lists, a mental list maker of making lists. they would always start of with the obvious items and so i would go "i'll remember them, i shouldn't need a list", and discard it. when it came to the more meaningful though, like what i wanted to achieve this year, or get out of this course, or where i want to be whenever, i guess it was more fear that stopped me writing, the possibility that i would fail or not try, and it would be written down on paper for everyone to see, to be waved in my face by jeering peers. ha jeering peers. that type of thinking developed in year nine i'm pretty sure, and instead of keeping ambition to myself or a hidden notebook, i threw it away. i used the "i don't know" line when asked about the future, because i honestly didn't want to think about it, and although i did, no one else was allowed to no that. i would watch tv programs and read books where life is obviously simplified, where all the protagonists have big dreams and goals and go through adventures and hardship, but still succeed, all in the space of an hour or 400 pages. it wasn't as depressing as it sounds, but it must've done something to my outlook. as much as i feel pride for my writing, it isn't something i work hard towards, as much as want to finish my degree, the accomplishment isn't really an aspiration. i don't have goals, i just have things i can label as goals, that truly lack the merit i'm looking for, i guess that's my fatal flaw.

there's a story in my head, i tried planning a book, i wrote out a character chart and how everyone was intertwined, i gave them names and jobs and feelings and personalities, i wrote a scene for one of them and now they're just sitting round doing nothing, much like i am. they're just waiting for me to write about them so they can come alive, but i can't do it, they just aren't real enough... but then do i want them to be real?